how to ask for help with a newborn

Feb 26

a simple home postpartum doula grandparents.jpg — asking for help is hard. after a baby, it’s incredibly hard. people might give offers of help, but you don’t even know where to start. this post will explain what kinds of help you’ll need and how to ask for it.

I use this proverb a lot (A LOT,) but it really does take a village to raise a child. social media, friends, and family can make us think we should be able to do it alone, but that has never been the case until now. birth parents are meant to learn from previous generations how to take care of a baby - not just Pinterest. as soon as you can, assemble your team of support. this will be different for everyone: your family, your chosen-family, your close friends, your doctor, your doula, your co-workers, or your parent support group can all be a part of your team. once you’ve assembled your team, (I promise) they want to help. they really, really do, but they might not know how or are waiting on you. what next?

what kinds of help will you need?

listening: you’ll need someone to just listen. listen to you and your struggles and your triumphs. someone to just listen and say, “wow. that sounds (awesome/terrible/gross.) you’re doing a great job.” a best friend is usually good person for this job.
empathizing: someone who has been there can really, truly empathize. bonus points if this person has a child or baby close in age to yours. they will definitely empathize.
educating: you’ll need lots of someones to educate you. this includes your doctor, a pediatrician, a doula (hi! me!) and a lactation consultant if body feeding. later on, this might include someone to help with sleep or other issues that pop up.
feeding: if you aren’t comfortable with someone coming over, ask that person to bring food. have a partner, friend, or family member set up a meal train and send it out.
cleaning: in the first few weeks, you won’t have the time or energy to do things like cleaning or laundry. ask a close, trusted person (or, again, a postpartum doula) to come every day or every other day to help maintain things.
checking on you: you should expect, as a birth parent or supporting parent, the possibility of the baby blues (a week or two of intense emotions,) but have someone (maybe even your partner) check in on you and your mental state. research the signs of postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety (hint: it’s not just being sad or not connecting with your baby or harmful thoughts) and be prepared.
giving you a break: in the early days (and, honestly all the days) even taking shower will feel like a break. it is essential that you have someone come over just so you can eat, shower, brush your teeth, go on a walk, or take a nap (or all of the above.)
taking care of older siblings: the first few months after my twins were born, we weren’t comfortable having people come inside or hold our babies, but we loved when they would take our older son on a walk or just sit outside with him. trust me, all parties involved will benefit from a break.

how to ask for help?

be direct: this might be hard for you. but it’s best to tell people what you need. if you want someone to make you food, you can say, “yes, thanks for offering to help. we would really appreciate it you’d bring us a home-cooked meal!”
delegate: if being direct isn’t your style, ask someone else to be in charge, like a partner or friend. give clear directions, and ask that person to organize visitors or any other type of help.
make a page: you can make a special website or social media account for your family and let people know what you need on there.
leave a note: maybe visitors don’t know the etiquette of visiting a family with a newborn. so, leave a note explaining what you need.

before baby arrives (or now) assemble your amazing support team. and most importantly, tell them what you need. utilize their skills. lean on them. that’s the way having a baby was meant to be.

interested in learning more about what kinds of help you’ll need and how to prepare for baby? schedule a virtual postpartum doula consultation with me!